They’re the Thlyds. You are Not.

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September 26, 2012 by raconteurmagazine

By Sam Flintlock

“Hey, Journalist”, spits out Thornton Halfwit (lead singer of The Thlyds), on The True Price Of Kent. “I don’t want to be your friend. I don’t care to be seen in your shit magazine, so there’s nothing to say”.

I think it’s fair to assume that Thornton will not be rushing to read this review of his band’s album, Thalidomidas Touch, any time soon. Which is understandable. He’s already heard it. You may not have, which is an issue I suggest you rectify forthwith.

The three-piece punk band are made up of the aforementioned Thornton (vocals, lead guitar and venom), Bog Standard (one-finger drumming and silent man of mystery) and Lewis Drebb (bass and being ginger).

Their debut album is a grenade in the face, a snarling representation of a lost generation.

With such calls to revolt as Bored, Burn England and Let’s Have A Riot At The Olympics, The Thlyds bring to mind a younger, angrier Selfish Cunt. If Selfish Cunt were good, as opposed to being tiresome dullards reduced to picking fights with pointless crack-addled gig-cancelling manchildren in a limp attempt to make themselves seem relevant. So, in actuality, not like Selfish Cunt at all.

What The Thlyds are actually like is being poked repeatedly in the chest with a sharp stick. Not always pleasant, but certain to get your adrenalin flowing.

It’s easy to see why even the Queen has fallen for Thornton’s charms, as he explains on I Fucked The Queen. No need to get uptight, royalists! “She fucking loved it, so it can’t be treason”. Even their song Filler Track, written specifically to fulfil contractual obligations, is less filler in nature than Scouting For Girls’ entire back catalogue.

They also do not have a singer named Orlando. This is a crucial part of a being a proper rock band.

Where they really shine though, is when Thornton allows his sensitive side to shine through, as can be seen on the touching duet I Fingered You, with special guest Karen Condom. In it, the two sing tenderly of their not-a-relationship. Karen’s vocals bring a welcome feminine touch to the album, as she tells us of how Thornton “said you was in a band and I held your hand so I let you finger me”. Which, of course, goes to explain how Thornton “in the darkened underpass. I managed to get three up your ass”.

The piece de resistance however, is the sweeping rock ballad This Town. It’s Rod Stewart’s Young Turks, reinvented through a haze of Bostik and cider. It’s a love song for the loveless. It’s simply adorable.

“In case you were confused, I am the news. So write this down.” You heard it here first. The Thlyds are, indeed, the news. Buy this.

Jailhouse Rap

Unfortunately, The Thlyds are all currently in prison for violating their parole. After much careful negotiation and some help from Simon Indelicate (of The Indelicates, surprisingly enough), I managed to get the answers to my interview questions for Thornton smuggled out on the back of a KitKat wrapper, rolled up and studded into one of those novelty pens where the woman’s swimsuit falls off.

All spelling and grammar are as written, as I didn’t want to lose any of the nuances of Thornton’s views.

How did the Thlyds come to start as a band? What can you tell me about your career as proper rock stars so far?

Thornton: So what it was yeah, is that Lewes’s mum phoned up my mum and arsked if she would MAKE ME go over there and have fucking Findus crispy pancakes for dinner with him because he literally has no othe friends. She actually had to beg my mum to make me be his friend. I’m not his friend though, I hate him. ANYWAY, because I’ve got the burning angry soul of a fucking poet, I feel an urge to make the best music you’ve ever heard and because Lewis had a violin lesson once, I let him do the bass. Bog’s just this kinesthetic boy from round the corner. Kinesthetic is what they call you in school if your stupid but they don’t want to tell you.

Our career, as you probly know, has ben amazing. I felt up that one from X factor the other week.

What do you think Lewis brings to the band?

Initially he brought the guiotar because he got one for his birthday and I Stole it. Now that we’re more established, It’s more what he takes away. You know how they say that, like, nothing’s ever perfect and like the flaw in the diamond or whatever is the thing what makes it truly amnazing? Lewis is that flaw. That ginger, irritating flaw.

You mention in Bored that you have never heard of “John Fucking Peel”. Is there anyone else you would like to make it clear that you have never heard of?

I aint heard of loads of people. I’ve never heard of The Killers, for example. Or Radio 6 MUSIC because I’m not a 39 year old ‘creative professional’ wanker with square framed glasses and elbow patches what used to look ironic but are now just what he actually wears. I have heard of the MAccabees,and uif I was them – this fact woulkd SCARE ME.

Despite your request, there were no riots at the Olympics. Why do you think you failed?

I didn’t fail, I never said WHICH OLYMPIS did I? I might have meant any olympics! as it was, I couldn;t actually do anything this year cause of this stupid fucking ankle tag, but WATCH THE FUCK OUT BRAZIL. I did piss in the serpentine just bvefore they done that Triathlon thing, so medals or not -ALL those tossers Swam in my piss.

I’m astounded by the fact you don’t have a major record label deal yet. Why do you think they’re being so blind to your awesomeness?

If I wanted a major label, I;d have one. But I don’t. Look I’ll tell you a story, yeah? This one time I met a bloke from a record label and his name was ACTUALLY Rupert. It wasn’t like he’d just called himself Rupert as a joke – that was his actual name that he was born with and when I said alright? what’s your name? he just said ‘Rupert’ like it wasn’t even a thing. I do not want ANY part of that. I mean jesus.

I understand you’re now all in prison for breaching your parole. Are you keeping the band going while inside?

Yeah, I spose. I wrote a song the other day called That Warden With The Facial Birthmark Has An Embarassing facial Birthmark (HAHA) I might record it when i get out if I can be bothered – which I probably can’t. Music is more work thatn it looks. When I get out I might just focus on crime for a few years, see if I can make that happen – I’ve bneen talking to people and there’s some really exciting things in the works that I can’t talk about yet – but yeah, there should be some special things on the horizon. You cunt.

Has Karen Condom been coming to visit you in prison?

Once, but she wouldn’t do this thing I wanted her to do up against the glass so I told her not to come back. She probly will though, she loves me, the fucking idiot.

Some indie band called The Indelicates has been mentioning you a lot, even going so far as to cover your songs. Are you worried they’re trying to ride on the coattails of the “greatest band in the world” to make their own careers?

Not possible, I never usualy wear a coat cause I don’t really mind the cold, but when I do, it aint got no fucking TAILS. I don’t really kno the bird in them, but the shit guitar one helped with the album by letting us record in his house. Quiote stupid of him really, considering the amount of shit we stole. Also, we put a dead wren we found in his curtains, it was amazing. I hate him.

Where next for the Thlyds?

I’ve got to do community service next week and then just back here.

What message would you like to give to the world?

If by ‘message’ you mean ‘STD’, then probably NSU – No one knows what it is, but it hurts you where it counts. Cheers.

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